Wow I miss you guys.

I’m sorry that it has been so long.  I think my last post ended with a backslide of some sort…??  I haven’t felt comfortable writing since and I don’t know why but, I do know that I feel ready now.  

Last week I turned 30.  Yikes.  I don’t feel any older.  Is that normal?  I hope so.

I remember my Grandmother on her 80th birthday telling all of her 26 grandchildren-including myself- that she never really felt like she had gotten any older than 20.  I really didn’t think about what she said.  I hope to identify with her on my 80th birthday.  LOL!  

So… for the weeks leading up until my 30th I had many thoughts running around and my biggest was that I really wasn’t looking forward to it.  I’m still single…still struggling…and there is no give in sight.  I told one friend after another how I would not be going out that night nor would I attend any gatherings.  They couldn’t believe it.  I had offers for dinner, house parties and more and turned them all down.  I think my fear here was that I might drink and make a fool of myself.  Or just end up crying into a glass of wine.

I did , however, spend the night before with three very close friends.  We had a couple beers and played Twister.  It was hilarious!!  We talked about life, friendship, and love.  Choices and God.  It was wonderful.  I couldn’t have imagined it being any better.  And the was no crying….YAY!!  

The easy things are not forced.  They don’t have to be.  

I woke the next morning refreshed and took my son to school like always.  He waved and smiled at me blowing me kisses and telling me Happy Birthday til I was almost out of sight.  What a little man.  He keeps me young.  

The only change that I have seen is a new filter and new perspective.  Things in your life are always changing all we can do is change the way we look at them.  I know that God has a purpose for me and my son.  I know that his will…will be done.  I feel so blessed at this time in my life to know that he is here with us.   

I feel good and alive.  

And loved.

30 was nothing…

Be well my brothers and sisters.

I was a mere six years when I started walking home from the bus stop alone- something a parent may be arrested for these days- I never thought it strange.  Nor did my sister who was four years older.  We were “latch key kids” as they called us.  Both of our parents worked full time and my sister raised me.  It had it’s advantages and disadvantages.   She would cook (sometimes edible, sometimes not so much) dinner, get us bathed and helped me with my homework.  She disliked it immensely.  We did have a lot of fun together as well.    But lacked some supervision.  And maybe some guidance.

When I was about seven our world got flipped upside down.  A man that we came to respect as an Uncle began to touch us in ways no child should be touched.  We both knew what was happening was wrong but, never spoke to each other or anyone else about it.  We felt as though we may get in trouble.  It went on for years…….  

Finally ,one day, while at the bus stop with another girl my age we were confronted by a stranger and it scared us.  We walked further down the road and waited for the bus.  The driver questioned us as we boarded the bus.  When we arrived at school we were met with the psychologist.  She asked if anyone else had ever looked at me the way the stranger had.  I finally had had enough and told her, “Yes”.  It was like coming up for air.

When I ran home that day I was met by my teary-eyed Mom who quickly scooped me up and told that it would all be okay. We were going to the police.  My sister broke down into tears when she arrived home and we told our parents everything.   We told the police about when it had started and how he would single us out.  The police gladly spoke to him!!!  And nothing more came of this.

For years after this abuse my sister and I beat ourselves up.  We both gained large amounts of weight.  I remember telling myself that I had ,somehow, brought this onto myself.  I started doing drugs at a very young age with my sister.  She drank whenever she was angry and had thoughts of suicide at the age of thirteen.  I began drinking at about fourteen and was diagnosed with an eating disorder soon after that.  We were a mess inside and didn’t know how to fix ourselves.  No punishment was worse than the one we had given ourselves.

Here’s the real kicker though!!  He is still around and comes to some family functions!!  I told my Dad to keep my son away from him if he is around.  He still looks both me and my sister up and down whenever he sees us!!  It makes me want to vomit sometimes.  See, my Dad, who I love so much has been in denial about this since the day we went to the police.  I’ve read many self-help books on this subject and now have more of an understanding of the inner-workings.  When family is involved-which a lot of the time is- there are people who deny it(to themselves).  There are people that get angry and act out in aggression.  There are people that accept that there was abuse and work through it.  My Dad is still in denial.  He loves us , we never questioned that , but it hurt us so much at times to know that he didn’t stand behind us. 

  This man that we once called Uncle has recently fallen ill.  He has many health problems.  I was shocked to find myself concerned for him and his wife.  I have even caught myself wanting to call them and ask how they are.  But I never do.  See no matter how strong my sister and I feel or how much we feel that we’ve healed over the years.. to see him is to tear those stitches out.  

  With my growing faith and knowledge I want to  find it in my heart to forgive him and maybe… pray for him.  I’ve come a long way from when I used to wish bad things on him.  I want to make things different with him before he is gone.  I think it may be that little girl in me trying to show the love she still has for a man she loved as family.  

  This was hard…

I attended church this week for the first time in a long time.  Sunday is usually my only day to sleep but, this time was different.  I felt full of energy, even though I was up all night.  

My pastor spoke about how God transforms us with His love.  And how we are one body with many members and different functions.  She also spoke about giving ourselves completely to God–even though it sounds scary–so that He may truly guide us.  I smiled and nodded throughout the whole sermon.  It made sense to me.  In the words of my good friend, “This was the perfect day for you to be here.”  Because I feel ready for that.  To turn myself, and for God to work through me.  (One step at a time, of course)

I hadn’t recieved communion in years.  I had been to church a couple times in the past and never felt right about receiving it because of my lack of faith.  This sunday, when the time came, I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

It was like going home.

Afterwards, we all meet for coffee and, I must have met at least eight new people.  I feel more open and approachable.  I felt full of life when we left.  That feeling has stayed with me since.

No longer am I lost.  The tides have changed.

 I was thirteen when I decided I no longer wanted anything to do with religon.  My Grandmother had passed away and I had given up on my faith.  Throughout the years, many people came and went with their own opinions and religions.  I just turned away from all of them.  

In 2007, right before I turned twenty-nine, I met a man who I now call friend.  Michael.  He invited me to a Bible study that he had established with a friend.  Against my rebellious inner child, I agreed to give it a try.  We hit it off well as friends and he was never pushy with me like the others had been.   I really started to feel comfortable within the group, even though I never quite felt that I had much input.  

 About a month ago, during a study, they wondered how much I knew about God and religion.  I told them that I knew the basics.  And then something happened.  For the next few weeks, I let a lot of ideas about religion roll around in my head.  I never thought I would ever entertain the thought of finding my faith again, but I found myself thinking about our studies deeply.  Finally, this past week, I decided it was time for me to reach out.  I was at work, in the middle of a chaotic shift, when I found myself inviting Him back.  It would not have mattered what else happened at that moment–I could’ve been waiting on the rudest customer in my life–because I felt such peace.  I began to cry, right there at work, because I realized that even though I had walked away, He never had.  

That very same night I had Bible study.  Right before closing, Michael called me over to the open book and said, “This is for you.”   I knew before he even finshed saying those words what it was and what I wanted to do.  The Sinner’s Prayer.  We had spoken about it previously and after that morning I knew it was what I wanted. I read aloud the prayer, with Michael as my witness, and when I finished I began to tell everyone about earlier events.  I had written a poem about what I had felt and experienced, which I also shared with them.

I realized quickly that my faith in God and my religion was what I’d been missing.  There was a hole there that I couldn’t quite place.  I feel so good about how far I’ve come since last year and this was another step in the right direction for me.